det magiske.

kamu sudah memperhatikan saya, ingin tahu apa yang membuat saya lara.
tapi saya malah mengecewakan kamu.

saya bisa menangkap ekspresi itu; perasaan campur aduk, saat kepekaan kamu disentil.
saya salah.

bahkan, setelah semua dukungan moral yang telah kamu berikan, saya masih saja menjepit posisi kamu. saat kamu berusaha netral, saya selalu menekan kamu untuk memilih.

saya berpikir, sampai berapa lama kamu akan bertahan.
…untuk seseorang yang tidak spesial seperti saya.

mungkin saja saya yang memandang kamu terlalu tinggi. “gue hanya orang biasa” kata kamu. mungkin saja karena apa yang saya pendam terhadap kamu di masa lalu, saya jadi begini. complicated. gak jelas. berputar-putar. awalnya iya, namun akhirnya tidak.

beritahu saya kalau kamu sudah mulai kelelahan menghadapi saya, oke?
I’ll give you a break. 

happy new year! so it’s less than 11 months to face the judgement day, eh?
I don’t mean to be such a scumbag and show off, really. but on the very first day of 2012, my dad gave me a very difficult choice.

I was about to pack my stuffs inside the car with my dad after we had a family gathering to celebrate new year’s day. I was walking upstairs with my dad when suddenly we started a pretty random conversation.
dad: “you haven’t gone overseas, right?”
me: “sort of.”
dad: “(since you have behaved nicely and studied pretty hardly) do you want to go to China with your mom? the fare is pretty low, I can afford you the ticket and accommodation. departing January 17.”
me: ”@#$%^&*()*&^%^&*()”

me. China. winter. it would be my first-snow-experience, along with first-aviation and first-travel-overseas.
it’s such a big dilemma. from January 17 to January 23. January 23 is Chinese New Year, which means no school. if I take this offering, I have to skip school for four days. in my school, your presence means everything. and anyway, I don’t wanna skip math. it’s too crucial.
“what about my bedroom’s renovation?” I asked. “don’t worry, we still have enough bucks to pay your new bedroom,” my dad replied, “your mom will accompany you to make your passport tomorrow.”
so I remained poker face on our way home. my sister persuaded my to take the offering.
when, at last, I shouted while AGSFB’s songs spins in my head. “no, dad, I don’t feel like I wanna go,” I said.
“why?” my dad asked.
“it’s like, you know. 4th semester is very important, and skipping school four days would be a big matter if it happens,” I replied. “otherwise, I don’t want my parents’ money to go overseas. it isn’t my thing. I wanna be like my siblings, who went overseas more than once by their own achievements.”
although I didn’t see her face, I can feel my mom’s smile while she replied, “you’ve made good reasons.”

and my passport? I’ll make it when I turn 17, which is going to happen in 4 months.
believe me, there’s plenty of time when I’m grown up. I’d rather use the money to buy new clothes.

I think this year will be stuffed with difficult choices, concluding from my first-day-on-2012’s dilemma experience. anyway, I think it is, since I’m gonna go to the 12th grade, which will give me plenty of options of which university I’m gonna choose.
oh. whatever the choices are, I hope I will make the right decision.

have a great year ahead! xx 

January
3: first day of the second semester of the tenth grade. I was absent.
7: first tear dropped in the school. hormonal problems.
8: first apology.

February
7: deadliest fight.
8: my very first confession.
14: gave my very first chocolate for Valentine’s day.

March
5: Nadieda’s 16th birthday. stayed awake until 12:00 AM and gave the first birthday greetings.
14: a small mistake could lead into a pretty deadly traffic accident ever
15: le big discussion. to care or not to care?
16-17: ESQ at Menara 165, TB Simatupang.
31: field trip to Ancol.

April
13: Vian’s 16th birthday
17: Ratu’s 16th birthday surprise. girls reunited!
4-9: midterm exam
23: registered to AFS student exchange program
3rd and 4th week of the month: fully packed with sweet treats

May
1: small junior high reunion on AFS test.
9: MY 16TH BIRTHDAY. thanks for the surprise, guys! ;)
23: the result of the test: failed. well, US, maybe not now :’)
25: Opik’s 16th birthday surprise. my greatest effort ever to give someone a surprise with cakes and gift which I bought myself. haha.

June
6-11: final term exam
13-17: week of remedial. in the anxiety of failing to go to the next grade.
20-22: sports week! I brought the class to victory by won the 2nd place of English debate!
25: the day of report card distribution. not so bad; passed 15 of 17 subjects to go to the next grade. class farewell party. Exfes is the best class I’ve ever placed into.

July
5: visited Ghyta, Opik’s best friend, who was coma (caused by brain hemorrhaging of her hemophilic Von Willebrand disease, I don’t know sure) in the hospital.
6: got placed to class IPS 3, while Opik, Tasha, and many other friends in IPS 2. pretty disappointed.
7: Ghyta passed away. a big loss to everyone around me who knew her.
11: first day of the new term
14: MOVED TO IPS 2!

August
I’m totally blank with this month.

September
23: biggest efforts for the sake of my class
24: CREADALLS—school’s birthday party! and we won! thank goodness :)
29: BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER

October
7: the most annoying shit happened
10-14: screwed by the midterm test
14: another shit happened, like, fuckin’ shit.
31: deep conversation with you-know-who. conclusion: I need to let go

November
11: 11/11/11 is so not epic
15-18: a “holiday” with epic school tasks
22: pretty annoying fight

December
1: another deep conversation with tears
5-14: final term exam
12-16: pointless week of make up tests
13: EPIC KARAOKE!
24: colosal mega epic report card distribution!

I had a big blast last night.
my report card’s an epic.

I have no idea. I can’t post my report card here; some people would think I’m too big-headed snob because it’s not as special as my brother’s report card he always had back in his high school time, but yeah, it surprise me. A LOT.

well, uh. so.
the power of love truly raised me up. love to whom? to anyone who supported me.
I am so magically high-spirited. I should maintain or maybe increase my efforts for a better result on the next two terms. this is the best year end surprise I had for my entire life.
and, oh. time to finish my task. see ya ;)

remember I said some few rants about 2011?
I should take my words back. 2011 isn’t that bad after all. it taught me so much things about growing up & letting go. 11 days left before this year to end, and I’ve concluded everything.

ever heard about my friendzone issue? yup, the person who turned my life upside down. he changed the entire aspects of mysef, but everything went so much better aftermath.
we spent more time together fighting talking to each other than expected. no more tears. I’ve become less sensitive after all my attempts to move on.

and do you know what? moving on isn’t as difficult as I’ve thought before, lol. we talked a lot about this, I shared everything to him. pretty ironic, I know. but after all, we’ve made the best decision: focus on thy future, comrades. love life shouldn’t be our main priority. we’re still young, anyway.

so, I’ve got wisdom due to this matter. a few months ago, he was a douche and I’m a crybaby (perhaps still). but problems came, we complained about how we treat each other, so we are trying to change.

the feelings once I had towards him didn’t separate us, thank goodness. I need him. I don’t know if he needs me; maybe not, but I’m trying to hold his back as long as I can. because this frenemy bond is way more important than anything. like, finally; I know he’ll make a good companion in the future with me, so we’ll stay like the way we are. we might never show anything to anyone, but each other knows, we’ll be good together. everything might never gonna work as lovers; so we’ll let the time pass as best friends.

bet he understands this. aight, nyet? ;)